4 weeks...

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.
~Edna St Vincent Millay

My Dear Steve,

It has been exactly 4 weeks since I found out you were dead, Steve. 4 weeks since I received the call I never want to think about again. But I do. I think about the words, or how I heard, and how I didn’t believe it was possible or true. I trusted you more than that. You would have never chosen for me to hear these words about you. This was within your power, and I knew you would have never wanted me to hurt the way I did, the way I do. You would have never wanted to do anything that would make me angry with you. You were Steve… the nicest person I think I’ve ever met. The gentlest person I knew. Always so eager to do and say things that would bring a smile to my face, not tears to my eyes. I trusted you.

How is it that 4 weeks feels like a lifetime since I’ve heard your voice, and at the same time feels like just seconds since I heard you were gone. The pain is still as sharp as the moment I found out. I’m no less angry now then I was 4 weeks ago. I want so badly to be able to think of you and smile. I want to think of the memories we made together. I want to think of when we laughed, joked, shared great times, gossiped, said the same thing at the same time, kept each other company all day and all night, talked about our “sweet babies”, finished each others’ sentences… how did we get that close? Sometimes I wish we hadn’t so all of this wouldn’t hurt so bad. But then I feel bad because I loved being your “uptown girl”, your “babe” (though I know you had more than one… I never minded that). You made me feel like a damn queen with your flattery. But you had no idea that you were just as special as you thought I was. You had no clue that you were beautiful, that you were kind, funny, incredible, fascinating, gentle, such a breath of fresh air… and what is worst is that it seems you had no clue that there would be so very many broken people you left behind when you went away. Now can you see just what an impact you had on our lives?

I hope you are on your island, Steve. I hope it’s beautiful, peaceful, has golf courses, great food and red wine. I hope it’s exactly what you wanted. I hope now you can finally be free of the burdens you carried around during your short life. I know they were heavy.

I love you. I miss you. I hope that one day I’ll see you again… if that’s the way things work…

All my love,

Meghan