4 weeks...

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.
~Edna St Vincent Millay

My Dear Steve,

It has been exactly 4 weeks since I found out you were dead, Steve. 4 weeks since I received the call I never want to think about again. But I do. I think about the words, or how I heard, and how I didn’t believe it was possible or true. I trusted you more than that. You would have never chosen for me to hear these words about you. This was within your power, and I knew you would have never wanted me to hurt the way I did, the way I do. You would have never wanted to do anything that would make me angry with you. You were Steve… the nicest person I think I’ve ever met. The gentlest person I knew. Always so eager to do and say things that would bring a smile to my face, not tears to my eyes. I trusted you.

How is it that 4 weeks feels like a lifetime since I’ve heard your voice, and at the same time feels like just seconds since I heard you were gone. The pain is still as sharp as the moment I found out. I’m no less angry now then I was 4 weeks ago. I want so badly to be able to think of you and smile. I want to think of the memories we made together. I want to think of when we laughed, joked, shared great times, gossiped, said the same thing at the same time, kept each other company all day and all night, talked about our “sweet babies”, finished each others’ sentences… how did we get that close? Sometimes I wish we hadn’t so all of this wouldn’t hurt so bad. But then I feel bad because I loved being your “uptown girl”, your “babe” (though I know you had more than one… I never minded that). You made me feel like a damn queen with your flattery. But you had no idea that you were just as special as you thought I was. You had no clue that you were beautiful, that you were kind, funny, incredible, fascinating, gentle, such a breath of fresh air… and what is worst is that it seems you had no clue that there would be so very many broken people you left behind when you went away. Now can you see just what an impact you had on our lives?

I hope you are on your island, Steve. I hope it’s beautiful, peaceful, has golf courses, great food and red wine. I hope it’s exactly what you wanted. I hope now you can finally be free of the burdens you carried around during your short life. I know they were heavy.

I love you. I miss you. I hope that one day I’ll see you again… if that’s the way things work…

All my love,

Meghan

5th Ave Parade

Love NYC!!! Some pics of the St. Patrick's Day Parade on 5th Ave...

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I love St. Patrick's Day! Being Irish is fun all year, but on this day, I am in heaven...

I've been celebrating since Saturday night, but last night, the eve of my holy day, Brian and I went BACK to the Dive Bar... This place seemed the place to go on a Monday night... no effort involved, good service, and super chill. Well, we were there maybe a half hour and this group of foreigners started filing in. And by group, I mean maybe 20 or so in the beginning... they were all in dark clothes, leather, skinny jeans, sneakers... just foreign at first glance. But I couldn't really place them... I didn't hear anyone speaking. But I was thinking Eastern Block Mafia types... then Matt arrives. He is perplexed by the atmosphere but doesn’t think too much of it. So after a while, the Mafioso’s started inundating the back of the bar... there were three pretty, gay guys sitting at a gigantic table, all innocent with their starched plaid shirts and their long lashes being surrounded by these people... it was funny to watch. They had this “deer in headlights” look on their faces… but then eventually they started having their pictures taken with these Mafioso’s… I didn’t get it. I needed to know who they were. I asked our server, Ashley aka Candy, and she couldn’t remember who they were, but seemed to recall being told a group of French people were coming to the bar… Ah, so they’re French? Hmmm… ok. So, the French mafia kept filing in… seemed like hundreds, but I guess maybe it was 40 or so… and they all started to look related to me. I was confused. Well – it wasn’t long until one of these guys pulls some bagpipes out of a case and starts playing a little ditty. Well – I was immediately in Irish heaven! But these guys were French? Turns out, they were from Brittany… the Celtic territory in France. One of the mafia guys explained to me that they were here performing at the Nimoy Theater, and then today at the St. Patrick’s Day parade on 5th Avenue. And then a few more nights in the city before heading back to their homeland. Well – this was fantastic! Then one bagpiper became a bagpiper and spoon guy… then 2 bagpipers and a bombard, then 3 bagpipers, 2 bombards, several spoons… it was CRAZY!!! I could feel my cheeks start to cramp with the gigantic smile I was wearing! They are called Bagad Saint Nazaire.

It was a great night! I was genuinely happy and having a great time the whole night! It was quite a relief for me. It felt like I was my old self again, if only for the night.

Tomorrow will be one month since Steve’s death. It will not be a fun day. I am hoping that something good will come tomorrow… something to make the heaviness of the day less… heavy.

The Day After...

So, first an update on last Friday's post (T Minus...). 5:30 pm rolls around and I give up hope and leave work to go partake in some bevvy consumption with some good friends. PR emails as SOON as I leave work. Tells me there is basically no answer, thus I must wait now until "mid-week" this week. So - that's that. Thanks PR!!!

So Saturday I was up and doing things around the house. I had company this weekend, so I needed to get my apartment ready for their arrival. Only managed to do about 1/2 the list of things needed to be done, because 3pm was rapidly approaching and I needed to go meet up with another friend of mine who I haven't seen since highschool for a bevvy at the Dive Bar by my house. So good to see her... we caught up for a couple of hours, then she was off and I was off to try and finish my errands. That didn't really happen... but I did get some picture frames for the new photos I had printed at the camera shop. Steve needs a place among my piles of pictures! He was only digital, so I wanted to get him on the shelf! Up he went, with his leather flask from Chechessee Creek Golf Club.

Brian (Steve's brother) arrived around 9pm. We took the dogs for a quick walk and off we went for a night on the town (someplace that would allow hats and sweatshirts, please). We were out till 3am... then managed to find some bad sandwiches and great pizza and went home to pig out. Very healthy!



Sunday we tried to motivate for a bit. Hunger was the driving force and after 3 attempts at finding somewhere to eat breakfast (Sarabeths and Good Enough to Eat had lines out the door, and the third place with no line was organic... Brian's face pretty much was the deciding factor on that one) we found a place to eat. Thank you Fred's. Had the BEST french toast! The place was covered with pictures of peoples' dogs. I think I may go back and give them one of Lola and Bacchus.



Col and Jay met up with us later that day at the Dive Bar, where we celebrated St Patty's Day in style... more sweatshirts and hats! What a comfy weekend! :)

Fun night... love my friends!

T Minus 13.5 hours and counting...

Now - I am really hoping my good news comes today. And I say "good news" because I'm sending out positive vibes to the universe in order to receive positive news! See... Oprah says I should follow "The Secret"... which basically says the same thing...

Also known as the “law of attraction,” it's the idea that because of our connection with a “universal energy force,” our thoughts and feelings have the ability to manipulate this energy force to our liking. According to “The Secret,” our thoughts and feelings attract a corresponding energy to ourselves. If our thoughts are negative, we attract negative things. If our feelings are positive, we attract positive things. The essential message of “The Secret” is that we all have the power to determine our own destiny. We can all create our own reality. Through fully and consistently applying the “law of attraction,” we can be who we want to be and have everything we want to have.

Anyway - oh, and yes, I have an abnormally great fondness for Oprah... but not in the weird colt kind of way, like so many of her viewers / readers. I just like her. I think she's a positive person, and her shows are very often educational rather than the standard talk show trash (Jerry, Maury, Montel, Tyra, Ricky, Sallie, etc...).

So today is to be the day. I would like very much to quit here today, and walk out the door for the last time today. So, that's what I'm putting out there. My friend Dupree just did the same thing (he's a chef at a restaurant not far from me). He called to tell me that he just quit and walked out. I'm feeling inspired. Come on PUERTO RICO!!!!!

Friday the 13th is the thirteenth day in a month that falls on Friday, which superstition holds that it is a day of good or bad luck. In the Gregorian calendar, this day occurs at least once a year.
The fear of Friday the 13th is called paraskavedekatriaphobia.

Love and peace...

Yes, you are ready

There is no limit to the number of ways in which you can create real value. Breathe deeply, smile lovingly, and just do it. The moment you're in is plenty. The place where you are is an ideal place from which to move forward. Instead of punishing yourself with regret, delight yourself with the possibilities. Get busy creating and living a beautiful now. Yes, you are ready to be your best. Let go of the doubts and let it happen. You can create your very own future, and you are doing so even now. Take this opportunity to fill it with what you know to be good and valuable and meaningful. There is immense beauty in you that you have not yet seen. Share it with the world and live the joy of discovery as that beauty continues to unfold.
-- Ralph Marston


Thanks Col - Liked it so much it's todays's entry. Love you!

How about Frank?

OK, so I live in NYC, and I am blessed enough to have funny experiences nearly on a daily basis here. Some I laugh at immediately... others take a while for the annoyance factor to wear off before they BECOME funny.
Every day I eat lunch with my friend Alison. Today, like most days, we go to Pret for my FAVORITE sandwich, then we walk over to the Starbucks for Alison to get her FAVORITE green tea. While she's in line, my job is to stalk tables until someone gets up so we can sit down to eat. Well - I didn't feel like stalking today, so I found two seats in the front of the store next to a less than clean guy who sat with an empty coffee cup and an old school tape recorder - like the ones they use at the police station when they interrogate you!
Anyway... we sat down and began to discuss all the important things that happened to us the night before... mainly, American Idol. So we were deep into this important topic when the less than clean guy says "how about Frank?"... he wanted our opinion about Frank... the one on Starbucks' muzak system... Frank Sinatra. "Well" I told him, "Frank isn't competing." He didn't care, and still wanted my opinion about Frank... to which I gave in and said he was great. Anyway - we continue talking about our picks for who will leave... blind guy? Hispanic guy? Anoop Dog? Then less than clean guy said "wasn't there a black girl?". I asked what black girl he was referring to... to which he answered "I'm blind, so I don't know what she looks like, but I know she was on the finals of American Idol a while ago..."........................................... Anyway, so we continued talking, and less than clean guy gets on his phone and starts pitching whatever he's selling to a guy named Mike. I know this because less than clean guy used Mike's name at least 14 times over the course of the conversation, which was about two minutes long. This guy was really starting to become annoying, but we powered forward... continuing to eat and chat as we do.
Less than clean guy then asks "Miss... can you do me a favor?" I asked what the favor was... he said "I'm blind, remember.... could you go up to the counter and ask the barista (I said barista, he said clerk or something) for a big trash bag?" I took notice of the trash bag that was stroon on the floor beneath his seat, so I pointed that one out to him, thinking maybe he forgot he already had one, or maybe didn't see it (You know what I mean...). He told me that he spilled is coffee in that one and it's all f*cking wet now... and picked up the bag and let the coffee pour out on the floor. Alison and I just stared blankly at each other... I think the silence clued him in to the fact we weren't really interested in collecting garbage bags for him... he said he'd do it himself... then proceeded to bitch about how f*cking tired he was...
Lunch ended early today.

55th & 5th please!

So - I have been patiently waiting on word as to whether or not I've got this job selling a resort in Puerto Rico... my hope was that I would hear on Monday (two days ago) and quit right away... have some time to clean, make a trip to Charlotte, and then start working. So... I continue to wait. Monday night they guy I've been waiting to hear from lets me know there are still some people that need to be quizzed on their opinions of me... and now I need to give up to Friday for a decision. I am impatient.

Where I work now... at 55th & 5th... it's a nightmare and I'm trying to get out! I was really hoping Monday would be the last day I had to request 55th & 5th to the cabbie... but no. Asked yesterday and today again... and know most likely will ask again tomorrow and the next, at least.

Puerto Rico

Some of you know I went to Puerto Rico on a job interview... I couldn't post these pictures on Facebook for obvious reasons, so enjoy them here...

Recap...

Sooo… recap of Steve’s farewell…. It was really nice, in the end. There was such a great turnout. Maybe 50 – 60 ppl there? Everyone was there for Steve, which was so nice. But it wasn’t a sad night. Everyone was there telling stories, laughing, having a good time. So I think all in all it was a great night. I came with my friends… Colleen, Jay and Steve’s brother, Brian.

We had a great time. Col and Jay saw Steve last in December – the 26th to be exact. Steve and I went out to Kildare’s to have a few, then we met up with some high school people for dinner, then Steve and I went to The Note in West Chester and met up with Col and Jay and ended up having the BEST night! Lots of pictures to prove it…

The morning after Steve’s farewell, Brian and I had breakfast at the DK Diner. We ate for free because we waited too long for our breakfast according to DK standards I guess. Note, we did not complain, nor did we really care, though I was very hungover and needed grease immediately… the lucky table next to us benefitted too – free breakfast for you too! Like Oprah… and YOU get a free breakfast.. and YOU get a free breakfast… ok, you only get that if you watch Oprah or all the comedy shows that mock her. So Brian dropped me at the train station, and I Amtrak’d it back to the NYC…

I realized I think on this train ride that trains are a sad place to be. Especially if you have sad music to listen to while you ride. It’s 2 ½ hours of silence (mostly)… earphones in, listening to anything that will make you cry… 2 ½ hours to sit and think about everything you regret… everything you wish was different.

When we lose one we love, our bitterest tears are called forth by the memory of hours when we loved not enough…